Bring me to life
by Strawberry-miow
Summary: Songfic - Jesse`s feelings about Suze basically....better than it sounds! honest! hehe please R/R!!!***


DISCLAIMER: I don't own the mediator series.it belongs to Jenny Carroll/Meg Cabot along with Jesse...*sobs* and the song lyrics used belong to the wonderful evanescence, used with the utmost admiration for the music and the song.  
  
**My first songfic! I was just sat listening to my evanescence album one day, this song came on and I had a flash - an epiphany! Hehe so, well, here it is! Hope you enjoy it! Please R/R!!!**  
  
***  
  
I never would have thought it.the first time I met her.never would have deemed it possible, the realms of the living and the dead twisting into everything, beauty and lack of vainly attempting to coerce her into their lives.  
  
.And then there was me.  
  
The ghost haunting "her" room, although I had been there long before her time, I found it amusing to begin with, when I was just another dead man walking. no place to go, no place to be.only existing because the laws of heaven stated such, I had "troubles" binding me to the earth, apparently - when she told me this, I laughed.  
  
Trouble.such an interesting word, the power of language I remember well from the strict schooling I had in my time, one word can turn a thousand ships, free an army of prisoners.  
  
.Trap you in your own shadow.  
  
Yet.now I don't mind it so much, existing only for the purpose of existing, the feelings dissociated long before in my life breathing into every word I speak.it's.amazing.  
  
And terrifying.  
  
How does she do it?  
  
~How can you see into my eyes  
  
Like open doors?  
  
Leading you down into my core  
  
Where I've become so numb~  
  
Since my "death" so to speak I've always felt some sort of...emptiness, as if part of me is still at home, helping padre with the horses or reading letters from Maria. she seemed so nice back then, always talking about the importance of family and the such.yet I didn't love her, I know that now.I was respecting my family's choices - as I did up until the day I died and still do.  
  
I doubt what I am feeling now would fit into their world but I can't change who I am.  
  
.Or what.  
  
~Without a soul~  
  
I remember the time she told me, if she could make me alive again she would.in an instant, yet.  
  
I'm not really sure if that is what I want anymore.  
  
How can one be both deliriously overjoyed and heart-wrenchingly sad at the same time? It's humanely impossible.but I'm not human anymore am I?  
  
There used to be times when I would sit and wonder.why did she do it? Why kill me when all I ever did was love? I would tell myself it wasn't my fault, that she was just crazy.somehow the message never got to my brain.  
  
For decades I would convince myself that love was just a fantasy, only existing because some play-write invented the word.not a real feeling, not like anger or sadness, a façade of something impossible.  
  
A way to hide.  
  
The way I have since my death.  
  
~My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold  
  
Until you find it there and lead it back home~  
  
But since I first met her I feel myself changing.every day counting down to the inevitable in my mind, but I can't allow myself to do that - it is only because I have existed for so long without anything.not a word, not a touch.  
  
Yet when she was hurt I felt broken.helpless, as if I was a child again in my time, running to madre to heal my bruises.  
  
Always running.  
  
~(Wake me up)  
  
Wake me up inside  
  
(I can't wake up)  
  
Wake me up inside  
  
(Save me)  
  
Call my name and save me from the dark~  
  
Some days I come so close.the temptation and the need growing too great, I find my hands outstretching and my lips tingling, and suddenly I can't hold it back anymore.  
  
Yet I know I have to.  
  
~(Wake me up)  
  
Bid my blood to run  
  
(I can't wake up)  
  
Before I come undone  
  
(Save me)~  
  
The hollow left inside me from the need is growing, gradually every day as I watch her with her friends.happy and satisfied, living her life the best she can with her "curse" so she calls it, seeing the dead.dealing with us.  
  
Those words hurt me more than anything she's ever said to me...even more than when she called me a "cowboy", and that was bad.  
  
Yet now I suppose I wish I was.  
  
Anything is better than nothing right?  
  
~Save me from the nothing I've become~  
  
Except that's not what I really think.not anymore, maybe a decade or so ago when I was alone, sitting watching the ocean as the world passed me by without a second glance. I was just a shadow in the dark, a speck on the crust of life.  
  
Yet she changed all of that.made me realise what there really was out there, even for someone of my state.  
  
.Someone, dead.  
  
The time when she came to bring me back changed everything, I was all ready to step off the plains of the past and into a future unknown, circling around in the grey mists of the shadows.but she came to me.  
  
She gave me a second chance.  
  
Which only presented one problem.I saw what I wanted, what I had longed for but was too stubborn to admit it.  
  
Only I knew I couldn't have it.  
  
Can't have it.  
  
Yet I'm not ready to give it up.  
  
~Now that I know what I'm without  
  
You can't just leave me~  
  
The time when I kissed her seemed to turn things around, the impossible deeming possible and the fates twisting into an abyss of the future, an intertwined web of linked fingers and linked destinies.  
  
Chance is only but one letter away from change.  
  
I took the chance, and for a moment, I almost felt alive again.as if the positive karmas integrated together to give me a glimpse, to remind me what it was like to be alive.  
  
~Breathe into me and make me real~  
  
I long for that feeling again.  
  
~Bring me to life~  
  
While she's at school I sit and wonder, looking upon the looming waves of the ocean.  
  
Does she ever think about me?  
  
I read book after book of hers, story after story.the romance in some of them almost unbelievable. I remember after reading the bridges of Madison County I laughed..  
  
She thought, of course, that I was laughing at the book.the overblown romance involved within and the ways of the heart written over every page.yet that wasn't the reason. Not primarily anyway.  
  
To be completely honest, I was laughing at myself.  
  
The book bringing up many ideas, dreams..  
  
I haven't dreamed since my death, the last one being of family and what would have been the mockery of wedding to Maria. This one in particular amused me.  
  
The characters in the book, I imagined Susannah and myself in their places.what real love would feel like.  
  
I knew at the time she didn't love me.  
  
Doesn't love me. Yet I wish.  
  
~(Wake me up)  
  
Wake me up inside  
  
I can't wake up)  
  
Wake me up inside  
  
(Save me)  
  
Call my name and save me from the dark  
  
(Wake me up)  
  
Bid my blood to run  
  
(I can't wake up)  
  
Before I come undone  
  
(Save me)  
  
Save me from the nothing I've become~  
  
It's all a fantasy though.I know that, she could never love me..  
  
She could never love a ghost.  
  
~Bring me to life~  
  
They say hope is what keeps you going, well when you no longer have anything to keep going hope dies.  
  
Since the last time I kissed her I've felt hollow, as if emptiness is the only thing left to feel..all along, hiding it behind the layers of my past, slowly unravelling one by one.  
  
There's nothing left for me now.  
  
Except for her...  
  
~I've been living a lie  
  
There's nothing inside~  
  
The one person who gives me hope.  
  
~Bring me to life~  
  
And takes it away.  
  
~Frozen inside without your touch,  
  
Without your love, darling~  
  
She is the only part of me that still truly lives, thumping in my heart with every breath I decline to take..  
  
My alter ego.  
  
My life...  
  
~Only you are the life among the dead~  
  
If only I could be part of it.  
  
~Bring me to life~ 


End file.
